just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
