I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
