somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
