I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
