I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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