hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
