apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
