Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
organizing the empties. That sober.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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