I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
