My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
