I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
