the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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