apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
