I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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