If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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