How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
