Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
