I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
