Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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