I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
