Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
