Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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