How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
