It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
