just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
