Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
