Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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