census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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