So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
