birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
