I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
