After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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