woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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