Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
