New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
