1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I will pee on everything he values.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
