This is not my ceiling
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
