I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
