I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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