If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
