Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
