I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
