I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
