I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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