Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
