I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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