I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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