i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
