nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
