I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
